Brain Maylene, at your service.

Posted on 25 April 2011

I recently browsed through the search terms people used to find my site. The results were, to put it mildly, a little surprising.

Many of the searches were bizarre, others made a strange kind of sense, and others were downright disturbing. Some, from “I just love my sassy short haircut!” to “I want someone to love me” left me scratching my head, while others, like “brain maylene” seemed reasonable enough. (Not that I know what “brain maylene” is supposed to mean, exactly, but at least I can understand how it led to this blog.)

Then there’s what I like to call the “werewolf genre” of search terms, which are all thanks to this post, plus the highly disturbing bondage theme, which baffled me until I remembered this. I should have known better than to use the word “bondage” so many times in one entry — never mind that I was referring to a classic work of literature.

Below, you’ll find a selection of actual search terms that directed new visitors to this blog. I can only assume most of these wanderers, if not all, left disappointed. Serves them right for searching for “schoolgirl shame,” the freaks.

I am officially creeped out:

maylene feet
lauras feet
preteen laura
preteen girls
walter bondage
maylene bondage
the ghost who loved bondage

That’s actually a good question:

how does a werewolf make a living
how to write a letter to someone you dont like
how to recycle wrapper jewelry
how to pronounce words
what happened to oatscreme (If you find out, please let me know!)
why did laura reject me (Is this from a certain someone from 8th grade? If so, I’m really sorry. I know now it wasn’t nice to allow my friend to write “Roses are red, violets are blue, trash is dumped and so are you” on the breakup letter I slipped into your locker.)

Proof that cat ladies know how to Google:

vintage meow mix commercial dancing cats
marry cat lady commercial
Cat Fancy
cat magazine
japanese cat food commercial gross
fancy feast creepy commercials
saucey cirrus (Okay, who is stalking my cats?? That’s not how we spell Saucy’s name, btw.)

Sadly, I’m not surprised that the following search terms led to this blog:

stress and sobbing
stupid goals in life
public humiliation
bad blog entries
what’s wrong with laura?
drinking wine in the morning
I have no fashion
worst rejection stories
walter humiliation
revenge through writing
fictional storys about turkeys
forever revising
author photos cliche (Hey, I got your cliches right here.)
when was humiliation day (At lauramaylenewalter.com, it’s every day!)

My all-time favorite:

Ladies and gentlemen, someone out there in the world not only searched for “Shart Award,” but used this term to land on my site. That really happened. This is really my life.

What are you searching for, and what did you find instead?

Image: TZA


11 responses to Brain Maylene, at your service.

  • Paul says:

    Okay, I linked here from Poets & Writers. No fancy search terms for me.

  • margosita says:

    But seriously, how does a werewolf make a living?

    I’m, uh, asking for a friend. I swear.

  • Downith says:

    I’ve had some doozies too. What, for example, is “defter sayfasi”?

  • Averil says:

    You haven’t lived as a blogger until you’ve titled a post “Schizophrenia.”

  • amyg says:

    my favorite lately was someone who searched: amy g from beginning to end

    my first thought was, “but i haven’t come to my end yet.”

  • lisahgolden says:

    This is one of my favorite things to do for a laugh – look at my search terms. I get people searching for the breasts of former House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. Imagine if she was a werewolf!

  • Felicity says:

    Funny – was great to to begin my (late) morning with a laugh (more effective than coffee at shifting brain into gear)!

  • These are fabulous. I love ” fictional storys about turkeys” the best I think.

  • Deb says:

    I’m laughing too hard to remember any search terms. I remember a pal at work searching for short hair styles and a porn site complete with splayed female came up and she couldn’t get rid of it when her boss walked into her office. She sat there red-faced while he leaned over her desk. He never acknowledged anything.

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