Pales in Comparison

Posted on 31 October 2012

I’m sitting at my desk at work dressed as a “ghost writer” — white painted face, corduroy jacket, pretentious-looking scarf, purple plastic glasses. The office Halloween party is hours away but here I sit. The face paint is crackly and uneven and feels stiff. The paint makes my teeth look yellow so I can’t smile. No one knows what I am. That, at least, I am used to.

Last weekend I dressed as a lazy man’s narwhal — homemade mask with a tusk, plus oven mitts to represent flippers, all spray painted sparkly gray-black. I kept running into things with the horn and hurting myself, and I couldn’t hold my drink with the oven mitts, so basically I didn’t wear a costume for most of the night. I thought this ghost writer thing would be much easier and better but now my face hurts and I scare myself every time I see my white reflection in the window. If I spill just one drop of tea on my chin, the face paint washes away in a sad little stream.

Why are my Halloween costumes so terrible? And what are you dressing as?

13 responses to Pales in Comparison

  • Teri says:

    I usually go as a man. During the last election in 2008, I went as Joe the Plumber — my favorite outfit ever. Last year I was Julius Caesar. Tonight I’m changing it up and transforming into Joan from Mad Men. And because I can’t help myself, I’ll be carrying “binders full of women.”

  • Sarah W says:

    One year, I put on a sheet and white face makeup and wrote “AND, OR, AND NOT” on my front with marker.

    I was Booo-lean Logic.

    It’s a librarian thing. ;)

    And I LOVE your costume!!

  • Josephine says:

    i love your costume too.

    (boo-lean logic? that is sweetly wonderful. teri as joan? absolutley.)

    i haven’t dressed up in two years since we went as the addams family.

    my favorite costume was years and years ago when I went as a biker chick (imagine Cher from Mask). i was at a party with a handful of psychedelic mushrooms running through my system and i got completely weirded out by a guy who was dressed as larry the cable guy carrying a bottle of mad dog 20/20. he thought i wasn’t in costume–that i was literally a biker chick with crazy black long wavy hair and an authentic looking black eye i had painted with black and blue eye shadow. it turned out that it was larry the cable guy who actually WASN’T in costume. after my third shot of mad dog, i found my husband and said, “i think we need to leave…or i need to lay down somewhere.” i ended up by myself in the host’s guest bedroom trying not to freak out. it was a long night. but i did like that costume. (my husband was dressed as a biker as well wearing a black t-shirt with a harley davidson logo on the front and the words “IF YOU CAN READ THIS THEN THE BITCH FELL OFF” across the back in big white block letters. the memory of that shirt still cracks me up.)

    • The guy not really dressed as Larry the Cable guy who didn’t get you were in a Halloween costume? It doesn’t get any more perfect than that! Wow. Also: You have resurrected some dusty (and scary) Mad Dog memories…

  • Paul Lamb says:

    I was dressed as the scariest thing I can imagine: an adult!

  • Downith says:

    I love your costume! Haven’t dressed up for a long time (Hallowe’en is only just catching on in the UK – still lots of newspaper editorials about “the evils of American influence”)

  • I would also like to inform everyone that my face is now bright red — some kind of reaction from the Halloween face paint. Not worth it!

    • Averil says:

      Yikes! That’s gotta sting.

      I am not a dresser-upper, as a costume would involve me being festive and fun and all. But I do love yours.

  • Catherine says:

    We don’t do Halloween in Italy much either, but it has somehow seeped in as well. Very commercial, and lots of noisy firecrackers. I’m not a great fan.

    But I do love pumpkin!

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